LOCAL

By Deidre Dare

It seems that the elite of Russian Moscow society take umbrage to having one of their own run around town with a "bad porn writer". Now, I don't mind being called a "porn writer", if that's what the world wants or needs me to be, but I must take umbrage at being called a "bad" one.

I have to admit, however, that it still surprises me that people find my book, "Expat", pornographic. I find it hard to imagine anyone taking it to bed with them, if you know what I mean.

 Now, according to the U.S. Supreme Court, you know porn when you see it. So, maybe in Russian porn literature, "I fucked him" is considered quite hot? I don't know - I'll have to ask someone to read some to me. (Oh! That sounds very nice indeed.)

 I have pornographic books next to my bed: piles of them, and none of them involve anything as banal as what I've written. It's all: hard nodules, pink lips being gently parted, gigantic things being hastily released and that sort of thing.

Writing a few sex scenes does not a pornographer make. 

So, I recently decided to do some research on the topic and picked up a copy of D.H. Lawrence's "Lady Chatterley's Lover". This book, which in its time was labelled as obscene, and which I'd last read in the seventh grade, when I was 14 years old, is considered good and significant literature.

Frankly, after spending an evening or two with it, I was surprised they'd let us read it when we were that young. That book is definitely steamy and makes my poor efforts at depicting sexual relations look as tame as a nun's might. Or a virgin's.

Re-reading it, I remembered that my reactions as a young girl had been of the "shock and awe" variety. At that age, you really don't know what's going on out there. You think you do. But you don't. That book opens your eyes.

Honestly, at my age you think you know what's going on out there, but you don't.

That gamekeeper really knew something about sex. I suggest each and every man reading this column go out immediately and buy yourself a copy and then imitate the gamekeeper every chance you get. Every single chance. That's an order.

Then, we'll have a lot of very happy and grateful women in Moscow who will all feel like teenagers again. Shortly after that, comes world peace. Trust me. Do it for world peace.

I hate to have to repeat myself: but that's an order.

So, inspired, the other day, with a free afternoon on my hands, I decided to sit down and re-write some of the more racy passages from my book to try and make them truly (but tastefully) pornographic. I wanted to see if I could "sex it up" a bit and prove to myself that I could be a darned "good porn writer" if I so desired. 

And, simply out of the goodness of my heart, I wanted to give readers of the book something a little more fun to take to bed with them, if that's where they want to read it.

A few hours later, I had to face it: I would make a "bad porn writer" after all. A very, very bad porn writer. I have also resolved to forever stay away from the words "hard", "pink" or "gigantic".

I think I'll stick to my day job and we can all take D.H. Lawrence to bed with us tonight, instead.

xxoo

DD

■ Deidre Dare's novel "Expat" can be read online at: www.deidredare.com