In the depths of winter, even the shortest stroll along the pavements of Moscow can feel like a real-life adaptation of The Odyssey. Fortunately, the capital's streets offer many spots where the hungry urban traveler can refuel before facing the next perilous stage of their quest (Read: angry babushka). After extensive research, The Moscow News presents a survival guide to the food kiosks whose odoriferous emanations invigorate the city.
Kroshka Kartoshka:
Everyone knows the Atkins diet is so 2003, so take a pit-stop at this baked potato and toasted sandwich chain for as many complex carbohydrates as your heart could desire. The jacket potatoes come fresh from the oven, and can be filled with your choice of cheeses, meats, vegetables and sauces. If you are not a fan of excessive mayonnaise, you can always pick the brynza (soft cheese) to moisten your spud. However, there seems to be no hope for their unpleasantly dry sandwiches.
PROS: What could be better than a steaming tat to warm up a spell in sub-zero temperatures? The wide range of fillings to mix and match also means that no two dining experiences have to be the same.
CONS: One Moscow News correspondent reported four days of intestinal disturbances after sampling the delights of Kroshka Kartoshka. You may draw your own conclusions.
Stardogs:
If you have ever stepped outside your flat in Moscow, you will have seen one of these hotdog stands. At Stardogs, sausages cook on an open hot plate, their merry sizzle and heavenly smell calling out to the next eager customer. Bread is warmed for each 'dog and you can take your pick of buns, sauces, and sausages or patties to create your perfect between-meal snack. The servers wear a rather fetching red apron-uniform.
PROS: The phallic implications of their French Hotdog will bring a smirk to the face of even the most hardened Muscovite.
CONS: The unpleasant pool of Mustard invariably left at the end of the French Hotdog bun will wipe that smile straight off.
Rickshaw and Van:
These Asian stands offer takeaway noodles, fried rice and meat dishes in Chinese-American style fold-up cardboard boxes, with pots of soup and trays of sushi also available. The owners of the franchise tell us that spices unavailable in Russia are "ordered directly from China and delivered exclusively" for use in their dishes. The Moscow News fails to see the point, as after the individual stalls warm up the centrally-made meals in a microwave, the dishes are invariably bland and soggy (but yet strangely satisfying).
PROS: The stalls are relatively quiet, so servers are often pleased to have your company and will take the opportunity to tell you a little about themselves. One Rickshaw and Van employee gave The Moscow News her life story as our boxes rotated in the microwave. She concluded her tale with: "waitressing - it's not the best profession, but it's mine." We admired the pride she took in her work.
CONS: The meat tastes like dog food. Or maybe just dog.
Teremok:
It is a truth universally acknowledged that every visitor to Russia must sample blini. If you're pressed for time, or can't afford the Café Pushkin pancakes with caviar, Teremok kiosks offer a viable alternative. The batter is poured onto a hot plate in front of your very eyes, and within seconds your chosen filling - sweet or savory - will be melting temptingly inside the cooked pancake. As well as the classics like ham, cheese, chicken, gherkin, red caviar, chocolate and fruit, Teremok occasionally comes up with special seasonal blini creations, such as their current "Icelandic" pancake with herring.
PROS: The pancakes have a predictable rubberiness to them, which is quite comforting in its own special way. The kiosks are exceptionally useful for lazy Brits who can't be bothered to make their own pancakes on Pancake Day.
CONS: The fillings aren't as generous as the advertising suggests.
Shawarma Stands:
Choosing a stand to buy your shawarma from is like having unprotected sex - due to the high risk of disease it should only ever be with someone you know and trust. Also, alcohol is likely to affect your judgment. The man wrapping your lamb up in a Lavash (flat bread) might seem friendly enough, but that does not necessarily mean he has washed his hands before reaching into the salad tray.
While shawarma stalls are generally family-run enterprises rather than the franchises listed above, their ubiquity in the city must earn them a place in this rough guide.
PROS: The Middle-Eastern snack is simply delicious.
CONS: Humans are not the only ones who find themselves drawn to the stalls' warmth and appetizing smell. Rats are also fans, and especially enjoy defecating on ingredients. The Head of the Russian Agency for Health announced late last year that "In 70 percent of laboratory tests, E. coli was found in the salad fillings used for shawarmas. In other words, by eating these shawarmas, people are eating feces." The food from these stalls can be convenient and tasty, but choose wisely. There is, after all, nothing funny about acute intestinal infection.
By Theodore Merz
