COLUMNISTS

Deidre Dare

We expats living in Moscow may think we're living an extreme life, but I recently saw my friend Judy, a relatively bland Australian girl who lives in Dubai, and what she told me topped anything I've ever heard here: she's becoming some local dude's Third Wife. She is, in effect, joining a harem. And people accuse ME of "going native"?!

Still, when I think about it, a harem sounds appealing. As long as you're the one with all the spouses. I'd love to have a harem of men, I decided. A Reverse Harem.

I once was in a situation where I had three boyfriends at the same time and it was lovely.

There was The Partner: the guy I could always depend on, my best friend and the one I took to Passover dinner with my crazy family etc.

There was The Lover: the guy who made my knees weak whenever I saw him and who was the reason I kept in shape.

And there was The Soul Mate: the one who had everything essential and profound in common with me and so words were barely necessary between us.

Three is the critical number. With three men, even if one was maddening me and another was breaking my heart at any particular point in time, the third could always be counted upon to be behaving himself perfectly. Usually, two at a time behaved themselves perfectly.

As I'm very good at time management, none of them ever lacked for anything they needed from me. As I'm very bad at deception, they all were aware of the others and, understanding that I am and always will be a free spirit, bore with it as best they could.

I imagine a harem would be a lot like that period in my life. If you were in the mood for hot, steamy sex and an overdose of endomorphins, you'd see The Lover. A quiet chat about your problems with your sister? The Partner.

A deep conversation about Kafka's quote: "And so help goes away again having helped in nothing"? The Soul Mate.

Because it would be a formal harem, they'd all be living in the same house and easily accessible. The best part of all would be that they'd all have to be faithful to you and just wait patiently for you to want to be with them. And, if someone new caught your eye, you'd just bring them into the fold and never have to suffer through the guilt of cheating again.

Yep, that sounds pretty damn good.

So, I made some discreet inquiries into this whole harem business to see if it's all it‘s cracked up to be. My new friend, Mike, who lives in Bahrain, has some sheik friends with harems and, it turns out: no, it is not.

Mike wrote to me: "Most of the sheiks I know already have several wives and they all complain about the hassle this causes. Apparently, issues like jealousy, fighting, accommodation, equal treatment and huge expenses are just the start."

"Three wives!" another guy cried out when I asked him what he thought it would be like, "God forbid! I can barely stand having just the one."

Seems most men agree with him - the idea of a lot of wives simply ain't that appealing. The sex part would be fine with them, of course, but the amount of aggro men apparently get from their wives just wouldn't make a harem worth the price.

But, unlike us women, who are, evidently, mostly harpies, men don't really nag and whine all that much. Therefore, isn't my idea of the Reverse Harem still a sound one?

Well, maybe not. What ended up happening to my little Menage a Trois was that, eventually, one of them said "Choose".

So, I did the only thing a girl can do in a situation like that: I moved to Russia.

xxoo, DD

Deidre Dare's novel "Expat" can be read online at: www.deidredare.com