COLUMNISTS

Deidre Dare

Due to draconian visa rules, I found myself required to leave Moscow for a bit. My New Zealander boyfriend (hereinafter "NZB") sent me the following text from somewhere in Southeast Asia: "Come here, where the bodies are slim and the c***s are willing."

So, to the Orient I went.

Because we both live the expat life, NZB and I have lived in different cities than each other off and on for about four or five years. Most expats will eventually find themselves in a similar position because expats get relocated a lot and partners often can't follow in these days of dual-career couples.

Personally, almost everyone I know is in this situation. And it's relatively manageable except for the one BIG ISSUE: sex.

Most couples, fools that they are, swear fidelity to each other. This is a recipe for disaster and I've never seen it end well.

Take the case of Lucy and Sam, for instance. Lucy went to the U.K. and Sam stayed home in New Zealand.  Lucy met lots of interesting, sexy and exciting men, but kept to her word and her celibacy for about two years only to return to NZ to discover Sam had bonked just about every even slightly attractive woman remaining in that country under 150 pounds. Surprisingly, that ended up being an awful lot of women.

Or my friend James who abstained for almost three years, and then, when he was finally reunited with his gal in Australia, the relationship dissolved within two months of its own accord (they'd both changed irrevocably).

Even in Moscow, where the women are so gorgeous and so available, some of the men I know who are in committed relationships "back home" remain completely true to their girlfriends and partners. Of course, they end up with the delirium tremens and carpal tunnel syndrome, but at least their consciences are clear.

But, what usually happens is that each person meets someone else eventually and they both cheat and they both lie about it and they both hate themselves and then they break up after paying lots of $1,000 phone bills in confessing to, and then fighting with, each other.

The only question I ever ask myself when I hear about one of these schemes is: Who will cheat first? (I'm usually spot-on in my guesses).

I figure the reason for this enforced vow of fidelity is that somehow people think they can hold on to each other this way. As if travelling around the world and working in different cultures wouldn't invariably separate you emotionally from each other anyway. I mean, after all, you're living separate lives.

I guess we all figure that if someone doesn't sleep with anyone else, they will not fall in love with anyone else.  I can assure you: that's a load of rubbish.

NZB and I never discussed it at all. He does his thing (whatever that is: we don't discuss it) and I do mine. If one of us ends up wanting to pursue a future with someone else, that's the risk we took. But we took that risk whether we were living in the same city or not.

I've lived in the same city with lots of men who I ended up leaving for someone else.

People need sex. The very idea of abstaining from it for years on end except for the occasional holiday is utterly absurd. But more so since when they end up back together, people almost always find out the sacrifice was meaningless anyway.

Now, NZB is in a bit of an awkward position, because he reads the column each week. So, when I arrived, I got a cocked eyebrow of a look that said "Well, well, well, isn't your life getting complicated?"

"What happens on the road, stays on the road," I replied (quoting a saying he taught me about rugby trips). Then, I threw my bags down and asked:  "Did you get me some diet coke?"

xxoo, DD

Deidre Dare's novel "Expat" can be read online at: www.deidredare.com