Bad in bed
Deidre Dare
The main reason that expat women in Moscow find it impossible to understand why I date Russian men is that Russian men are famously known to be BAD IN BED.
But these women miss the point. It's not Russian men who are bad in bed. It's pretty much all men.
Hold on! Before you start sending me the hate mail, gentlemen, why don't you listen to what I have to say on the topic? After all, if anyone knows what they are talking about in this area, I do.
The problem is that once you guys get "down there" we girls have one job and one job only: and that's to "finish". A more-honest-than-average guy recently said to me after I'd asked him (yes, we were in bed, if you must know) whether he liked performing oral sex on women, "I don't mind doing it, provided I get results." Wow! That really turned me on! Not.
So, you're down there and all we're trying to do is strain to finish as quickly as possible. This is highly stressful and causes a naked Brad Pitt to enter our minds more than you'd like (that image always hurries us girls along). And it's not fair, because we don't do the same to you. For you guys, it's all about taking as long as possible and we let you, even if we're secretly getting really, really sore.
And then, to top it off, this opportunity for us to finish at all is usually only provided every fourth or fifth sexual encounter. So, the other times, we're not getting anything but a urinary tract infection as a result of our efforts.
And that's just the guys who bother to go there at all, however infrequently.
There's the whole host of others (American, French, Russian, you name it) who can't even manage that. And with those guys, we just feel like they're masturbating with us.
In order to be "good in bed," (and I would have thought this was obvious) the woman needs to finish calmly and happily every single time. And that needs to turn you on. An erection is a much better thing to see after you've come for a woman than a victory sign.
I sympathise with you: I know it's difficult. I've been there.
I went through a very bisexual period a few years back when I lived in Sydney (Sydney's quite a boring town and I had to keep myself amused somehow, after all) and had acquired my very own girlfriend. And I, too, was failing miserably at managing this exact task. But I had a secret source of information: a visiting gay cousin who had a thing for the Sydney Opera House.
"Dede," she explained to me (my family call me that even though my father thought it was only appropriate for porn stars and puppy dogs), "it's like this. You should never say the phrases ‘relax' or ‘take your time' because all of that works the exact opposite way from what you intend. Instead, play around. Go to the area. Tease the area. Leave the area. You take your time. You relax."
I nodded in comprehension (I'm a quick learner).
"Oh," she added suddenly, after a moment. "Go from swirl to up and down. That's a great technique."
Her advice proved invaluable throughout my entire Lesbian Period.
I've had sex with only two men who were really, really good in bed (and, trust me, I've been with hordes). But these two men were good for entirely different reasons.
The first didn't take sex seriously and so it was all just excellent fun for him. He was experimental and casual and he was definitely relaxed and confident. Also, he quite cleverly introduced the use of the vibrator into our sexual life and so, if he wasn't in the mood, he could wield that thing in a variety of ways to excellent effect.
The second? Well, with the second there was that magic ingredient that can't be learned: uncontrollable, animalistic passion for each other.
I could come if he put a finger on my lips. And he could come from simply looking at me...
Since that kind of lust comes along when it comes along (if ever), the only thing I can suggest is that you go out and buy some vibrators.
And please give Russian men a break. I figure they have enough problems as it is.
xxoo, DD
Deidre Dare's novel "Expat" can be read online at: www.deidredare.com