COLUMNISTS

By Deidre Dare

I am a dirty girl. I am dirty in bed and I'm happy to be dirty anywhere else if the need arises.

Therefore, every time I've been in a situation here in Russia that calls for a "dirty" response, I've been more than happy to oblige.

For instance, I once accidentally tried to leave Russia without my Russian visa. I was on an overnight train to Kiev, at the border of Ukraine, when the Russian Border Guard Service made this unfortunate discovery. I was, of course, removed, sobbing, from the train and put into a small and scary detention room.

"Aha!" I said to myself, remembering some long-ago lesson taught to me when I first got to Moscow. "I should try to bribe them. They probably simply want a bribe."

"Ahem," I began nervously, "isn't there some sort of on-the-spot fine I can pay for this stupid mistake I made?"

"Nyet," was the response.

"Are you sure?" I asked again, taking out my wallet and showily flicking through a bundle of 1,000 rouble notes in a Weary Woman of the World kind of way.

"Nyet," was the response and back to Moscow I was sent a few hours later, after much paperwork and questioning, to pay the official fine of 1,000 roubles.

My vacation was ruined, but my hands were still clean.

"Why didn't you just bribe them?" my personal assistant asked as he took me to the official fine-paying place the next Monday.

I told him the story. "You got the only clean officials in Russia, then," he opined with a shake of his head. "That's just your luck, you know."

Maybe I did get the only clean officials in all of Russia. Or, maybe the officials aren't all as dirty as we think. The officers who detained me at the Ukraine border were perfectly professional in every possible way. They tried to get me to relax when I was crying by telling me this was an "administrative matter" not a "criminal" one and that I would be fine. They helped me with my bags, the purchase of my ticket back to Moscow and getting me settled in the return train. They let me play with their cute drug-sniffing cocker spaniel and in every way treated me with kindness and sincerity.

But despite all that, it's no state secret that corruption is a way of life here (even if I'm terrible at it) and we all know that we need that to change. If we need any more incentive, our President himself has told us we need that to change. It's practically our patriotic duty to help in any way we can.

In the United States, there is a day in September which I dread, called "The Great American Smoke Out", when every smoker is supposed to not light up for 24 hours. Now, this is something I refuse to participate in, but I see the value of having special days for pressing social issues.

Therefore, the King of Spades and I have decided to proclaim 15th May "Clean Hands Day" in Moscow. We will personally be distributing little white ribbons at Pushkin Square that day, starting at 9:00 a.m. If you're wearing a ribbon, you're not allowed, for that ONE DAY ONLY, to give or receive any "grease payments" at all. Just wait until the next day. We can all do that, surely?

As a further enticement, you'll get to at least see the mysterious KoS who is personally putting all his efforts into convincing a beautiful porn star who has done lots of dirty things to help us that morning. Isn't he remarkably self-sacrificing for the greater good? Now, that's social activism for you!

The Moscow News likes the idea so much, it's going to keep reminding you about Clean Hands Day until you feel too guilty not to drop by Pushkin Square that day.

If you want to be dirty, get on all fours tonight and see where that takes you. Or visit a sex shop and go wild: buy a dildo and each figure out a way to use it on the other. Or try a threesome, or some wife-swapping- those things are always a thrill. In other words:

Be dirty in the bedroom, not outside it.

xxoo,

DD

Deidre Dare's novel "Expat" can be read online at: www.deidredare.com