COLUMNISTS

By Deidre Dare

Recently, a 20-something expat friend told me over drinks at the bar in Pushkin that he wanted to leave his girlfriend, but couldn't figure out how to do it.

I, a few champanskies into it, suggested cheerfully, "Hop on the bus, Gus. Drop off the key, Lee!" Meaning of course: just fucking end it and go.

"It's not that easy," he said, looking down plaintively into his glass.

"Why not? What's the complication?"

"Well, you see...." he stuttered, "what I mean is.......Well, she's Russian."

Oh. Russian. No, that's not so easy.

"I'll ask the King of Spades later tonight," I offered. I mean, surely the KoS would know what to do. After all, he's a hunk of a Russian, he must have left millions of Russian girls in his life.

"You told him to get on the bus?" the KoS asked me afterwards, at a whorehouse (but you‘ll have to wait until next week to hear that particular story - suffice it to say: it is the stuff of whore lore).

"Was that meant to be helpful, my Darling?"

He went on to explain to me that, when it comes to Russian girls, there are certain male behaviours that are simply considered unacceptable and certain traits that are considered highly undesirable. She'd probably leave you, for example, if you stopped paying for dinner, he said.

Let's face it: these Russian women can be high-maintenance. My sexy little Brazilian friend, Marina, told me a story about a Russian friend of hers who got infuriated over Woman's Day weekend when her boyfriend gave her a gold plated bracelet and not a pure gold one.

(I'd like to point out that I didn't get any gifts at all since the KoS feels that that particular holiday is too "Soviet" for him. I'd also like to point out, being more easily pleased than the Russians, I was not hysterically angry about this.)

So, together, the KoS and I adapted the words of the Paul Simon song, "50 ways to leave your lover," to make it a little more helpful for Westerners trying to get rid of their Russian gals.

To effectuate that goal, I print the lyrics here. And wish you, should you be in a position where you need to rely upon this advice, "Good luck with all that."

50 ways to leave a Russian

The problem is only cultural, I say to you

The answer is "Da, da" if you Want to start anew I'd like to tell you she won't be bitchy

To you

There must be 50 ways

To leave a Russian

I say it's really just my habit

To intrude

You'll understand, of course, I mean I'm often rude

But I'll repeat myself

‘Cause I'm also kinda crude

There must be 50 ways to leave a Russian

Fifty ways to leave a Russian.

Just tell her you're gay, Ray

Tell her you're broke, bloke

You lost your good job, Bob

Just get up and go

Tell you're black, Jack

Don't pick up the check, Mac

Start using some blow, Joe

Just get up and go.

I'll say it grieves me so

To be out of champagne

I wish there was something I could do

To get some more again

You'll say, "I appreciate that"

And "Waiter, more champagne,

Tell me the 50 ways."

I'll say why don't we both

Just sleep together tonight?

And I believe in the morning

Hungover, I'll hate the light

And then you'll kiss me

And you'll realise that I am always right

There must be 50 ways

To leave a Russian

Fifty ways to leave a Russian.

Just tell her you're gay, Ray

Tell her no mink, fink, You have a small dick, Rick

Just get up and go.

Take out her sis, Chris

And tell her about this.

Just sleep with a ‘Ho', bro

And get up and go.

xxoo, DD

■ Deidre Dare's novel "Expat" can be read online at: www.deidredare.com